RICK MOODY
Boys
BOYS ENTER THE HOUSE, boys enter the house. Boys, and with them the ideas of boys (ideas
leaden, reductive, inflexible), enter the house. Boys, two of them, wound into hospital
packaging, boys with infant-pattern baldness, slung in the arms of parents, boys dreaming of breasts, enter the house. Twin boys, kettles on the boil, boys in hideous vinyl knapsacks that young couples from Edison, NJ., wear on their shirt fronts,knapsacks coated with baby saliva and staphylococcus and milk vomit, enter the house. Two boys, one striking the other with a rubberized hot dog, enter the house. Two boys, one of them striking the other with a willow switch about the head and shoulders, the other crying, enter the house. Boys enter the house speaking nonsense. Boys enter the house calling for mother. On a Sunday, in May, a day one might nearly describe as perfect, an ice cream truck comes slowly down the lane, chimes inducing
salivation, and children run after it, not long after which boys dig a hole in the back
yard and bury their younger sister's dolls two feet down, so that she will never find these dolls and these dolls will rot in hell, after which boys enter the house. Boys, trailing after their father like he is the Second Goddamned Coming of Christ Goddamned Almighty, enter the house, repair to the basement to watch baseball. Boys enter the house, site of devastation, and repair immediately to the kitchen, where they mix lighter fluid, vanilla pudding, drainopening lye, balsamic vinegar, blue food coloring, calamine lotion, cottage cheese, ants, a plastic lizard one of them received in his Christmas stocking, tacks, leftover mashed potatoes,
Spam, frozen lima beans, and chocolate syrup in a medium-sized saucepan and heat over a
low flame until thick, afterward transferring the contents of this saucepan into a Pyrex lasagna
dish, baking the Pyrex lasagna dish in the oven for nineteen minutes before attempting to
persuade their sister that she should eat the mixture; later they smash three family heirlooms
(the last, a glass egg, intentionally) in a two-and-a-half-hour stretch, whereupon they are sent
to their bedroom until freed, in each case thirteen minutes after. Boys enter the house, starchy
in pressed shirts and flannel pants that itch so bad, fresh from Sunday school instruction,
blond and brown locks (respectively) plastered down but even so with a number of cowlicks
protruding at odd angles, disconsolate and humbled, uncertain if boyish things — such as
shooting at the neighbor's dog with a pump-action BB gun and gagging the fat boy up the
street with a bandanna and showing their shriveled boy-penises to their younger sister — are
exempted from the commandment to Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all
thy soul and with all thy mind, and thy neighbor as thyself. Boys enter the house in baseball
gear (only one of the boys can hit): in their spikes, in mismatched tube socks that smell like
Stilton cheese. Boys enter the house in soccer gear. Boys enter the house carrying skates.
Boys enter the house with lacrosse sticks, and soon after, tossing a lacrosse ball lightly in the
living room, they destroy a lamp. One boy enters the house sporting basketball clothes, the
other wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. One boy enters the house bleeding profusely and is
taken out to get stitches, the other watches. Boys enter the house at the end of term carrying
report cards, sneak around the house like spies of foreign nationality, looking for a place to
hide the report cards for the time being (under a toaster? in a medicine cabinet?). One boy
with a black eye enters the house, one boy without. Boys with acne enter the house and
squeeze and prod large skin blemishes in front of their sister. Boys with acne-treatment
products hidden about their persons enter the house. Boys, standing just up the street, sneak
cigarettes behind a willow in the Elys' yard, wave smoke away from their natural fibers, hack
terribly, experience nausea, then enter the house. Boys call each other Retard, Homo, Geek,
and, later, Neckless Thug, Theater Fag, and enter the house exchanging further epithets. Boys
enter house with nose-hair clippers, chase sister around house threatening to depilate her
eyebrows. She cries. Boys attempt to induce girls to whom they would not have spoken only
six or eight months prior to enter the house with them. Boys enter the house with girls
efflorescent and homely and attempt to induce girls to sneak into their bedroom, as they still
share a single bedroom; girls refuse. Boys enter the house, go to separate bedrooms. Boys,
with their father (an arm around each of them), enter the house, but of the monologue
preceding and succeeding this entrance, not a syllable is preserved. Boys enter the house
having masturbated in a variety of locales. Boys enter the house having masturbated in trainstation
bathrooms, in forests, in beach houses, in football bleachers at night under the stars, in
cars (under a blanket), in the shower, backstage, on a plane, the boys masturbate constantly,
identically, three times a day in some cases, desire like a madness upon them, at the mere
sound of certain words, words that sound like other words, interrogative reminding them of
intercourse, beast reminding them of breast, sects reminding them of sex, and so forth, the
boys are not very smart yet, and as they enter the house they feel, as always, immense shame
at the scale of this self-abusive cogitation, seeing a classmate, seeing a billboard, seeing a fire
hydrant, seeing things that should not induce thoughts of masturbation (their sister, e.g.) and
then thinking of masturbation anyway. Boys enter the house, go to their rooms, remove
sexually explicit magazines from hidden stashes, put on loud music, feel despair. Boys enter
the house worried; they argue. The boys are ugly, they are failures, they will never be loved,
they enter the house. Boys enter the house and kiss their mother, who feels differently now
they have outgrown her. Boys enter the house, kiss their mother, she explains the seriousness
of their sister's difficulty, her diagnosis. Boys enter the house, having attempted to locate the
spot in their yard where the dolls were buried, eight or nine years prior, without success; they
go to their sister's room, sit by her bed. Boys enter the house and tell their completely bald
sister jokes about baldness. Boys hold either hand of their sister, laying aside differences,
having trudged grimly into the house. Boys skip school, enter house, hold vigil. Boys enter
the house after their parents have both gone off to work, sit with their sister and with their
sister's nurse. Boys enter the house carrying cases of beer. Boys enter the house, very worried
now, didn't know more worry was possible. Boys enter the house carrying controlled
substances, neither having told the other that he is carrying a controlled substance, though an
intoxicated posture seems appropriate under the circumstances. Boys enter the house weeping
and hear weeping around them. Boys enter the house embarrassed, silent, anguished, keening,
afflicted, angry, woeful, grief-stricken. Boys enter the house on vacation, each clasps the
hand of the other with genuine warmth, the one wearing dark colors and having shaved a
portion of his head, the other having grown his hair out longish and wearing, uncharacteristically,
a de-dyed shirt. Boys enter the house on vacation and argue bitterly about politics
(other subjects are no longer discussed), one boy supporting the Maoist insurgency in a
certain Southeast Asian country, one believing that to change the system you need to work
inside it; one boy threatens to beat the living shit out of the other, refuses creme brulee,
though it is created by his mother in order to keep the peace. One boy writes home and
thereby enters the house only through a mail slot: he argues that the other boy is cryptofascist,
believing that the market can seek its own level on questions of ethics and morals;
boys enter the house on vacation and announce future professions; boys enter the house on
vacation and change their minds about professions; boys enter the house on vacation, and one
boy brings home a sweetheart but throws a tantrum when it is suggested that the sweetheart
will have to retire on the folding bed in the basement; the other boy, having no sweetheart, is
distant and withdrawn, preferring to talk late into the night about family members gone from
this world. Boys enter the house several weeks apart. Boys enter the house on days of heavy
rain. Boys enter the house, in different calendar years, and upon entering, the boys seem to do
nothing but compose manifestos, for the benefit of parents; they follow their mother around
the place, having fashioned these manifestos in celebration of brand-new independence:
Mom, I like to lie in bed late into the morning watching game shows, or, I'm never going to
date anyone but artists from now on, mad girls, dreamers, practicers of black magic, or, A
man should eat bologna, sliced meats are important, or, An American should bowl at least
once a year, but these manifestos apply only for brief spells, after which they are reversed or
discarded. Boys don't enter the house at all, except as ghostly afterimages of younger selves,
fleeting images of sneakers dashing up a staircase; soggy towels on the floor of the bathroom;
blue jeans coiled like asps in the basin of the washing machine; boys as an absence of boys;
blissful at first, you put a thing down on a spot, put this book down, come back later, it's still
there; you buy a box of cookies, eat three, later three are missing. Nevertheless, when boys
next enter the house, which they ultimately must do, it's a relief, even if it's only in
preparation for weddings of acquaintances from boyhood, one boy has a beard, neatly
trimmed, the other has rakish sideburns, one boy wears a hat, the other boy thinks hats are
ridiculous, one boy wears khakis pleated at the waist, the other wears denim, but each
changes into his suit (one suit fits well, one is a little tight), as though suits are the liminary
marker of adulthood. Boys enter the house after the wedding and they are slapping each other
on the back and yelling at anyone who will listen. It's a party! One boy enters the house, carried
by friends, having been arrested (after the wedding) for driving while intoxicated,
complexion ashen; the other boy tries to keep his mouth shut: the car is on its side in a ditch,
the car has the top half of a tree broken over its bonnet, the car has struck another car, which
has in turn struck a third, Everyone will have seen. One boy misses his brother horribly,
misses the past, misses a time worth being nostalgic over, a time that never existed, back
when they set their sister's playhouse on fire; the other boy avoids all mention of that time;
each of them is once the boy who enters the house alone, missing the other, each is devoted
and each callous, and each plays his part on the telephone, over the course of months. Boys
enter the house with fishing gear, according to prearranged date and time, arguing about
whether to use lures or live bait, in order to meet their father for the fishing adventure, after
which boys enter the house again, almost immediately, with live bait, having settled the
question; boys boast of having caught fish in the past, though no fish has ever been caught:
Remember when the blues were biting? Boys enter the house carrying their father, slumped.
Happens so fast. Boys rush into the house leading EMTs to the couch in the living room
where the body lies, boys enter the house, boys enter the house, boys enter the house. Boys
hold open the threshold, awesome threshold that has welcomed them when they haven't even
been able to welcome themselves, that threshold which welcomed them when they had to be
taken in, here is its tarnished knocker, here is its euphonious bell, here's where die boys had
to sand die door down because it never would hang right in the frame, here are the scuff
marks from when boys were on the wrong side of the door demanding, here's where there
were once milk bottles for the milkman, here's where the newspaper always landed, here's the
mail slot, here's the light on the front step, illuminated, here's where the boys are standing, as
that beloved man is carried out. Boys, no longer boys, exit.
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I just took the "Which Harry Potter Girl Are You?" quiz and got: Hermione Granger! What about you?
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